I'm Celebrating 25 yrs of marriage to my Best Friend. I know we hear this a lot, but what many don't realize is that it really takes a lot of work for it to be this way. My husband didn't become my best friend the day we got married. It took time, effort, dedication, oh and let's not forget...lot's of tears.
I asked my friends on Facebook Page that had been married for over 20 years to give me their input on marriage. I have included some of their answers on this post.
I was only 19 he was 23. I came from a blended family (kind of). My mom was married they had a son. My sister and I were the step children, this is how it was blended. My husband was raised by his dad with his brothers and a sister and there was no mom in the picture. This didn't give my husband and I a good foundation. Our first year was one of the toughest because we knew nothing at all except that we loved each other and that we wanted this to work at all cost and that we had made a commitment for life and before God!
We went through all the premarital counseling with one of our pastors but as much as we read and heard and got counseling, it doesn't prepare you for the day to day life. Specially when you come with the baggage that both my husband and I were coming from. I really wish they offered or made it mandatory that all married couples go to marriage classes for the first year of married life. I'm serious! I think we would avoid many divorces (I know they can't make us, it's just me being controlling) but don't you all think it's a good idea?
Once the Honeymoon Stage was over which typically lasts anywhere from 3-6 months we started having problems. I was extremely immature (hello, I was only 19!) and every time we would get into an argument I would storm out of our apartment and go to my sister's (my mom past away a few months before we got married) add that to the equation!
This is what I wish I knew 25 yrs ago
1. Conflict Could Make Your Marriage Stronger...IF you don't Run Away from it.
Conflict is always scary, specially if you come from a home that didn't deal with it or if you come from a broken home. When we run away from it (like I did, in the beginning) the problem will still be there when you get back. Running away is not going to solve it, it will only make it bigger, because now you are adding the fact that your husband is mad or hurt to the mix.
What can you do different? Face the problem. Communicate how you feel. Will the conflict be solved? Maybe, maybe not, but the important thing here is that you didn't run away from it and you communicated how you felt. Keeping communication open is such a huge part of marriage and I can't emphasize this enough! Many times we are scared of conflict because we don't want to "rock the boat". But many times rocking the boat is what our marriage needs to deal with a certain situation. Conflict is not bad as long as you handle it well. After some time, I learned that many times all it took was the right setting to open up to my husband. I realized with time that I just needed to wait for the right moment to tell him how I was feeling. Many times the conflict wasn't as big as I thought it was, I just needed him to listen to me and to validate my feelings. Communication is key and don't let anger blind you Young Bride! This is what the Bible has to say about it: Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, (Ephesians 4:26) How many times have we read this scripture and completely ignored it? Let's do it no more!
FP Page said: Mercedes P: Never go to sleep mad:-)
2. Love is a Daily Choice
While we were dating I still remember when we couldn't wait for the day when we no longer had to say goodnight and go our separate ways. Do you know that till this day the one thing we still love the most is not having to say goodbye at night? We love waking up next to each other every morning and we hate it when we have to be apart and we have to say goodnight over the phone. But as time passes after the honeymoon period is over this changes for many couples and love becomes something else.
Love is a daily choice. I had someone ask me not too long ago how do you know when you are in love? I don't think I gave that person the right answer or if I did I really don't think it mattered because when someone is looking for an excuse to not love, it will come in one ear and it will go out the other. Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. Love is a daily choice. There are times when you will not "feel" like you love your husband. Those are the times you will choose to love him. There are times when your husband will not be very lovable, that's when you will choose to love him. You will get annoyed by him and get this, he will get annoyed by you (NO WAY?!) I'm 100% sure that there is not one person in this world that will annoy me more than my husband. But, I'm also 100% sure that there is not one person in this world that I'd rather do life with. The enemy is out to destroy our marriages. He wants to see us fail. God hates divorce. “For the Lord God of Israel says
That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the Lord of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.” (Malachi 2:16) This is specially for those young brides that also feel like they are feeling "out of love" all I can say is this TOUGH COOKIES! I know it doesn't sound very spiritual but it's reality. You may be feeling like you got married too young, TOUGH COOKIES! I don't want you to feel like I am judging you or coming down on you. I am talking to you like I had to talk to myself 25 yrs ago. I had to choose to grow up, because I made the choice to get married at 19. No one put a gun to my head. I made that choice and later wanted to complained about it? No way! TOUGH COOKIES, is what I had to tell myself. I got married to an amazing man and the biggest blessing in my life and for a minute or longer than a minute, I was beginning to forget it and the enemy wanted to use this to destroy our marriage. It was by God's grace and much prayer and our love that it didn't happen. It is a daily commitment to the Lord and a daily choice to love, that our marriage is now stronger than ever. LOVE IS A CHOICE!
FB Page said: Jean O: Don't think you're going to change that person you marry. Marriage isn't 50/50 it's 100/100.
3. Learn to say I'm Sorry
"Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall" (Proverbs 16:18). I didn't know how hard it was to say those simple words ..."I'm Sorry" until it was my turn to say them. At times it's going to feel like you are the one saying them the most. Other times it will be your husband saying it and you will like the sound of it. But I had no clue how bad I was at apologizing until I had to do it. The Bible teaches us that if we come before the Lord and we remember that someone has done something to us "leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering" (Matthew 5:24) . Yound Bride, it is so important for us to put our pride aside. I have seen so many great relationships fall apart before marriage because of pride and wonderful marriages also because of the same issue. Many times I've had to say I'm sorry to my husband for things I didn't do. This has touched his heart and has brought changes to our marriage. I know the same thing has happened to me. I don't want to paint my husband as a saint (although I sometimes think he is) but so many times he has apologized for things I have done and the Lord has convicted me. This has made me repent and has brought reconsiliation in an area that seemed like it was lost. "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; For you will heap burning coals on his head, And the Lord will reward you" (Proverbs 25:21-22) Repeat after me I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. Now you see, it's not so hard.
FB Page said: Dora R: We have been married 34 years and every day needs to be about Loving, listening, learning, and of course laughing together. Keep it fresh. It's work because sometimes life is difficult. But I would say Yes again and again to being married to my wonderful husband, even the difficult days. Keeping the Lord in center of marriage combats the battles of selfishness we all go thru. We are Thankful for what God gives us each day for eachother. We were both so young so we have grown up together. Lol Still learning as the seasons change in our lives!
The first years are an adjustment period. It's what you make of it. It's also a Honeymoon. Marriage is God's Gift. Enjoy the little things that you are learning together. The memories you are making. The fact that you don't own a dining room table and you have to eat on the floor with just a tablecloth and a candle in the middle of the living room. These are your first years. Your first every thing!
This is the First Part of "What I Wish I knew 25yrs Ago When I Got Married". This will probably be a 2 part series unless I see a need for a 3 part. If you would be so kind to leave a comment on my blog. It would be a blessing to me.
Go here for part 2 of this Marriage Series.
